The Tomb Of Optik_Surfer

A companion in arms to the fraternities of men.
Flirtatious as he was to the sororities of women.
A great listener,
always willingly to give a helping hand
to those who were in need,
ready to give his shoulder to cry on.
He would have made many friends
if he had lied about his status as a single man.
But he had lived his honour of being true to himself
as a married man and a father.
In memories of all his deeds.
The good and the bad,
his light and his darkness,
his strengths and his weaknesses,
here lies the remains of Optik_Surfer.
May the four elements be together as one
and return in peace.

- December 12th, 2008

My Last Words

Maybe you've heard some rumours about me, that I'm gonna "kill" myself. It's not a rumour. It is true, and I'm just waiting for my time to do it. I've already deleted my account in friendster, hi5, multiply, tagged, and whatever. Soon, Optik_Surfer will officially be "dead". Banished from the world of cyberspace. And my remains shall be here. Right here in this blog.

Whether or not I'm gonna be reborn again in cyberspace, definitely I will, but it takes time for me to heal my wounds and regenerate. To be reborn as a fallen angel or a winged angel, that is the question.

To anybody who knew me just by my marital status as married, and says "waste of my fucking time"... Well, fuck off to you too! Just pray to the Almighty that I won't be reborn as a fallen angel, otherwise, you'll be my next victim. Victim of a fallen angel. Angel of Seduction. Angel of Lust. And may the curse fall upon thee.

I have no "Faith" anymore, and you're in my top blacklist. So what, if you've hundreds of friends? Popularity isn't everything if you don't appreciate friendship. So what, if you're a dancer/model and an air stewardess? Beauty is nothing to me if are just a FOOL with pride. So sad. And it hurts to see you got started from the top of my marriage list and goes down to the top of my blacklist. Anyway, just to tell you that you won't be spared as well. Good luuuck...

And to everybody who personally knew deep inside of me enough, I apologise for the wrong doings that I've ever done to you, anything at all. And I personally thank you, for being there for me. Thank you for accepting me as a friend, regardless of age, gender, race, religion and of course the most importantly, marital status. And if I ever to be cursed and reborn as a fallen one, may you will be immune to my very curse of lust and seduction. And may God protects you from all forms of evil all the time. Amen.

I've made up my mind and there's no turning back. To "kill" myself is the only option. Hopefully I'll get to be reborn as a normal person. Neither a winged angel nor a fallen one. But if I am to be reborn as the latter, there is only thing to bring back the light out of me.

A one-winged angel...

Evil Shall Rise

I asked one of my colleagues,

"You've seen my profile on the net. If you're to be a women, no matter what marital status, will you consider me as being your friend?"

He told me,

"No! I can't risk a relationship with a married man, yet again, a father."

Then I ask him again,

"Which is more risky - a married man being friends with someone else's wife or a married man being friends with a still-single woman...?"

His answer was,

"Both!"

Thanks for being direct with me, bro... Just need to clear some thoughts in my mind.

Enough of being true to myself. I changed my marital status to "married" just because I don't want to live as a liar to my "future" friends. Of all these years being honest and true to myself... Still... It's not worth it...?

As if I was begging,

"Hey! I'm married. But can you still be my friend?"

Dah kawin punya pasal, salah kapper nak buat kawan? Haram kapper...? Takut...? Takut kita dah buat kawan, mesti nak kena main kau punya puki kapper?

No more Mr Nice Guy, people...

It's decided then...

History will repeat itself. As the guiding light in me slowly dims and fade away, evil shall rise from the very shadows of my raging heart and will reign over me again once more.

You have two choices, people. Either pray for me into returning to the guiding light, or pray for your own safety as not to be my next victim, male or female. I don't give a damn...

Help!

My "light" is getting dim, so help me God...

To Anonymous, I Dedicate To You

anonymous said...

sorry mate..
"I started to learn
about airbrushing since I was 10 years old, when my mum ..." then you say "I
have ZERO experience in airbrushing.."

both contradictory statements...
stop dreaming...airbrushing is not about making money...if you think you can
do it... by all means try... if you think about making money from
airbrush...then you never be good...ppl make money from airrushing because ppl
look them up... or because they are good...they are good because they love doing
it..not for the money..

sorry to come on a bit bitchy...but wake up and
stop dreaming..

im just a ramdom surfer....in fact my name is Norr
inRadd... so think about what i said... good luck...

Sunday, October 12,
2008 12:45:00 AM

To anonymous (Norr inRadd - ???),

First of all, I would like to thank you for your comment regarding my blog entry, entitled "Photography Or Airbrushing". I was smiling from ear to ear while reading your comment/opinion earlier. And why? You're the first one ever that commented to me, so openly, and so constructively, even though it's a little bit negative. Bitchy? I like it... Openly, I love it... Straight-forward... And it's my kind of style... Most people commented on me was, "I like this, I like that, I prefer this, I prefer that..." They don't even tell me why, how or what, especially the comments that I've received through e-mail. I do appreciate your comment and thank you, once again.

I understand what you meant. Photography and airbrushing... What do they have in common? It's art. Passion, creativity and technique. Especially in passion... If you don't have it, you can forget about it, isn't that right? I think it's because of my English that I lack of, and some "cutting-short" of my said entry.

"I started to learn about airbrushing since I was 10 years old..." then I said "I have ZERO experience in airbrushing..."

I agree that they're kinda contradictory statements. I have ZERO experience in airbrushing and there's no denial about that. That is true. "I started to learn about airbrushing since I was 10 years old..." that... well... let me rephrase that sentence. "When I was 10 years old, then I realized that airbrushing exists." How's that?

It's so happened when I asked my mum about what kind of toy (plastic model) she had given to me... Which obviously she, herself doesn't know that we're suppose to assemble ourselves. Questions like, "I don't understand... What did the instructions say (Tamiya models - detail instructions are in Japanese)? Why am I suppose to assemble myself? Why is it so pale? Why didn't they provide colours if I'm suppose to assemble myself? How am I suppose to peel the stickers (decal markings)? How am I suppose to colour them? Questions that even my mum, herself didn't know how to answer. Sorry, there's no daddy here. He passed away since I was 4 years old. Then, I asked my uncle about painting them. Suddenly it was liked "Ohhhhhhh...!!! Now I get it...!!!" I was 10 years old then, with my mum the only soul-breadwinner of the family, I don't think I can do painting with detail airbrushing. I didn't even dare to ask for an airbrush set.

You see... I have the interest... I have the passion... but... "No money, no talk" as what most people say. Is it already too late now? Maybe... But definitely not for me to start learning from scratch... I'm slowly learning not to give up. Do you know how many models I've made until now, I gave them up and smash them? Even I, myself can't remember. The only thing that I'm trying to give up is smoking... *damn Singapore cigarettes - So damn fucking expensive* but it's so hard to kick the habit!!! How...? *clears throat* hehe... Anyway...

Money... It's all about money... Money here, money there... And regarding making money through airbrushing... I'm not hoping for it... I just appreciate it. It's not that when I start to learn airbrushing, suddenly I'm gonna make tons of money. Even if I practice hard enough and open up an airbrushing specialist shop, I think I'll be in a walking stick by then. I didn't say it's going to be easy. I didn't say it's going to be a fast cash-making business. I just say that it's going to be freelance... You know... make beautiful plastic aircraft models and sell it for S$50 - my profit is going to be what? S$15 to S$20...? Airbrushing some cheap, small ceramic pots or plates with your name on it, selling at say, S$5 to S$10...? And as you go along, you'll somehow pick up new techniques and improve on skills... "Practice makes PERMANENT..." as what I've learned. Noboby... And I mean NOBODY is perfect... After all, we are just homosapiens...

I can't stop dreaming... that's a fact. People dream. People imagine. The possible and even the impossible... Dream of being as good as a Saint, even dreams of having sins... Have you ever dreamt of becoming a celebrity? Or at least marrying with one...? If your answer is never, then it's either you're lying to yourself, or you're just one of 0.14% of the world's living population that doesn't dream, or think big... You said - "Stop dreaming". I know it's just an expression or just an exageration from you which says something like, "Hey! Wake up, open your eyes and start thinking it out properly or you'll be just wasting your time and effort..." Am I right? I do understand what you mean... For me, and I think to most people do too, that imagination, dreaming or thinking big is just a start of something. It's just a self-motivation thing to make you start anew. To crank you up for doing anything, or something new. You get the idea, right...?

Anyway, I apologise coz' your comment is already too late. I've already bought a beginner's airbrush set. I appreciate though that some people, like you, are still willing to share their thoughts to me... Thank you, again and again...

And because of that, I would like to dedicate a song to you... And to everyone else who have e-mailed me their thoughts, comments and opinions... Here it is...

Take all of your wasted honour
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called "problems"
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say......

Say
John Mayer

Armada - Rintang

I've been listening to this song since I first heard it through an internet radio about 3 weeks ago. I really do appreciate TheOneServ for delivering some of the latest Indonesian songs to aire. Here it is.

Bukan salah mu mencintai ku,
Bukan maksud ku meninggalkan mu,
Tapi apakah salah jika kita tak mesti bersama,
Aku akan setia menunggu hingga kau kembali pada ku.

Tak ingin menjadi rintang di hidup mu,
Tetaplah engkau jalani apa yang kau mahu.

Tak ingin menjadi rintang di hidup mu,
Tetaplah engkau jalani apa yang kau mahu.
Tak ingin menjadi beban di langkah mu,
Tetaplah engkau jalani apa yang kau mahu.

Ku 'kan slalu menunggu,
Dan akan slalu setia menunggu,
Hingga kau kembali,
Hingga kau kembali,
Hingga kau kembali,
Di sisi ku lagi...

Rintang
Armada

Photography Or Airbrushing

Someone out there, I just need your help, or at least, your opinion in the above subject. I just can't confirm on my decision, based upon my own opinion alone. The purpose for this is simple. Freelancing - To make a little bit of profit from my hobby.

Here's the background and opinions about airbrushing up to my knowledge. I started to learn about airbrushing since I was 10 years old, when my mum bought a plastic scale model for me. And I've learned that people are making money by airbrushing. The obvious ones are doing motorcycle helmets, motorcycle bodies, especially Harley Davidson's. Furthermore, there's even fingernail art, temporary body art and body tanning, murals, etc. Of couse, the more skillful you are, the better and more cash you can expect in a single art piece. Starting an airbrushing business is rather good (I think), coz, there's not many competitors in Singapore. And Singaporeans are rather concious in style and beauty. The bad thing is, I have ZERO experience in airbrushing. I think it'll take me a couple of years to master in airbrushing technique, if it's possible, coz I can never know whether I'll be a master in airbrush detailing. About creativity wise, maybe I'll just pull my niece along with this genre. Hehe...

Now, about photography. It's in my blood. My late father was an avid photographer himself. Sometimes, I use his old Minolta SLR, if I need to, of course. Still send the camera for maintenance every year. Thought of buying a new DSLR, coz it's just easier to use than an old SLR. I already know just the basic knowledge of aperture settings and shutter speed settings. I think it'll only take me a few months to master in tweaking a DSLR in full detail. Creativity wise, I'll just have to pull my niece, again... Hehe... Business wise... too many good competitors in Singapore, and especially Malaysia. Unless I'll be so damn good that I can slowly overtake them and be of the same par with some few leading competitors.

Cost wise... Photography can easily cost 6x more than airbrushing. A good, fine, beginner airbrush set can cost as much as or around S$300, complete with air hoses, electric-powered air compressor, host adapters and some accessories. Whilst, a beginner DSLR body with lens set, flash, stand and some accessories will cost around S$2,000. The camera body alone can easily cost S$1k. What do you think guys?

I know you guys might say to me that I'll just be doing some freelance work. But to me, a freelance is also a job. Clients will be paying their hard-earned cash for the job that I'll be doing for them. And it's not just a job, it'll going to be a job well done.

Feel free to leave comments, or rather opinions of what you guys think. Personally, I prefer e-mails. So, comments or e-mails, it's up to you... Thanks for reading this some-what "important" entry. Any comments, opinions, and e-mails will be greatly appreciated.

A Special Dedication - Re-edited

This is my previously posted poem, but was re-created by a friend of mine, Komeng. Thanks, bro... It's totally too deep for me to understand. Here it is...

i was shivering in of my own tear
you left me lonesome in this uncertain future
solitude became the ally of my sorrow;
my companion of spiritual exaltation
everytime i looked at the grey sky, my heart contract

where was my goodbye...?

like a pong of water between mountains
which reflects in its calm surface
the colours of clouds and trees
but who cannot find an outlet
by which to pass singing to the sea

in the depth of my soul is its wordless song;
a song that lives in the seed of my heart.
will the tears ever dry
i am told in time
never, for his spirit, a sacred shrine.

i saw the angel of heaven looking at me
thru the eyes of a doting man
the warmth of embrace i crave
the affection that i long
a hopeless reality

windows to the soul so much left unsaid
deprived of that gaze i will never see again
i looked deeper
and saw the shadow of its shadow
but they are forever closed

the eyes of my dear father

This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 License.

A Special Dedication

I did a poem about a month or so. Thinking... writing... here it is. Thought of adding some "life" to the poem, but with an opinion from Dee, I didn't change any of the poem. Here is the original...

I was lonely and cold,
The time when you left,
I cried my lungs out,
But you didn't even say goodbye.

I wish that you're here,
Right here beside me,
To love you,
And be loved by you.

I pictured you in my mind,
How does it feel?
To hug you,
And be hugged by you.

I wonder about you,
How are you over there?
Hope you're showered,
With full of love from The Almighty.

I thought to myself,
Is it possible for me?
To see you again,
And look into your eyes.

I'll feel what you feel,
By looking into your soul,
Through your eyes,
For one last look, may I...?

But I know it's impossible,
You can't be here with me,
And I can't look into those eyes of yours again,
'Coz your eyes are forever closed.

The eyes of my dear father.

This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 License.

Ungu - Cinta Dalam Hati

Listening to this song reminds me of someone... And someone like F***** R*****. People around him usually calls him, Komeng. He told me about the story between him and his girl, what had happened, about how he'd released his anger, about how they had spent time together... a little bits and pieces here and there. We are much closer together since we've learned that his girl's and my daughter's name is the same, Nur Adlyna. Exactly the same spelling with a space in between the "Nur" and "Adlyna". I think I know how you feel, bro... I "think" because, I'm not you. I can only imagine that I'm you, or imagine what had happened, happens to someone that I love or adore, or even if it happens to my wife...

Therefore, I would like to dedicate this song to someone... And of course, F***** R***** aka Komeng. I think you're in a 50/50 category. To continue, or not to continue your relationship... For what I know is that, IF you decide NOT to continue the relationship, a hug from her to say goodbye forever is what you need. Just a little hug from her will make you happy. It'll worth a lot to you, even just for a little while...

mungkin ini memang jalan takdir ku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagi ku
asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidup mu
dalam hidup mu...

telah lama ku pendam perasaan itu
menunggu hati mu menyambut diri ku
tak mengapa bagi ku
cintai mu pun adalah
bahagia untuk ku
bahagia untuk ku...

ku ingin kau tahu
diri ku di sini
menanti diri mu
meski ku tunggu hingga hujung waktu ku
dan berharap rasa ini 'kan abadi untuk selamanya...

dan izinkan aku
memeluk diri mu
kali ini saja
'tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja...

ku ingin kau tahu
diri ku di sini
menanti diri mu
meski ku tunggu hingga hujung waktu ku
dan berharap rasa ini 'kan abadi untuk selamanya...

dan izinkan aku
memeluk diri mu
kali ini saja
'tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejap saja...

Cinta Dalam Hati
Ungu

I Had A "Blind Date"

I visited Hani's Blog, and HEY!!! YEAH!!! Today's date has a very nice set of numbers, isn't it? 20.08.2008. I didn't even notice it until I visited her blog. Hmmm... Anyone going over to the lottery booth...? hehehe... Just kiddin'...

Honey is at the living room watching Suria's Jeritan Sepi, after watching Sensasi's Bawang Merah Bawang Putih. My little darling is watching Blue's Clues DVD in the room with me. And I'm updating my blog...

Not yet 11pm... Just waiting for that moment to "breathe" properly...

Blind dates...? Hmmmm... heh heh heh... *evil grinz*

Blogthings (deleted)

I visited Rere's blog and found out about blogthings at her blog's side panel. I gave it a try, did a few quizzes just for fun and uploaded the results in my blog. Just for fun, really... And they turned out to be like... "Hmmm...?! Ooooooooohhh... Am I...?! Are you sure...?!" kinda phrases in my head... hehehe... Results are at the bottom of my blog's side panel... You'll be shocked... haheahe...

Yesterday

I felt OK today, thank God. What happened yesterday was that I've got instruction from HR that I can't clock in extra for overtime until further notice. Why? It's simply because of my MC rates. It's just nothing, right? But to me, it's a turning point where I just wanted to start anew... Just started to set a goal to challenge myself, and people just stop me... Know what I mean?

What made me broke down yesterday was because of my Senior Technician. He cursed and sweared so damn loudly just because of MC, I can't work overtime. That really touched my heart. Furthemore, he made a very strong point. He said loudly,

"MCs are given out by the doctor what. If HR not happy about it, go and suspend the doctor's licence lah...! What fuck is this? Now my friend here cannot do OT already!"

Then he continued cursing and swearing in all 3 English, Malay and Tamil languages and a Hokkien dialect so loudly that the whole workshop turned silence. He cursed and sweared just because of me can't work overtime. And that really moved me. I then smiled to myself and walked away. Went to some place secluded, and I just broke down. Post yesterday's entry and sent an SMS to my Senior Tech, Mr Wong,

"In your heart, I know that it's unfair for me that I can't do OT. I appreciate your concern, I really do. Thank you. Lots of MCs I've taken, and it's my fault that I didn't take care of my health. And it's the retribution that I should take willingly. So sorry that you've cursed and sweared 'coz of me. Just to let you know that I need to be alone for awhile to cool myself down. Please let my partners in arms know... Thank you, Mr Wong Sin Heng... [aidil]"

Went home, hugged my wife, and together went to my in-law's place to fetch my kid. Seeing and hugging my daughter just ease the pain away. Thanks Lyna, thanks Dearie, and thanks Mr Wong, I really appreciate your concern.

About my challenge, have to think about it to whether I wanna continue to challenge myself. See... That's why I have no Faith in myself... It's just pointless... Fuck it... And FUCK YOU...!!!

It's A Beautiful Sad Day

I was heading East, riding on my bike, on my way to work this morning and I took a glance at the sky. Such beautiful hues of red, painted across a clear blue sky, as the morning sun started to rise. And I thought it's gonna be a beautiful day today. I've set my mind clear. I've set a challenge for myself that I'm not gonna be late for work. 0 minutes of lateness every month. Work as many hours of overtime. And I've set a limit of another 2 days of MCs. All that challenge... All listed above... My own challenge... All for the remaining days of the year 2008.

But I was so damn fuckin' wrong...

It wasn't such a beautiful day after all. After such a cold-hearted news reached my ears, I just smiled, made a happy face and walked away from the crowd. Then I broke down... in silence. Everytime... when I just about to turn over to a new leaf, such things bound to happen. Why? Is it my retribution that I have to take? Or is it another challenge?

I'm updating my blog right here, right now, still broken hearted... And I guess I shall continue updating it later...

Afgan - Sadis

Uploaded 2 new songs. Thanks Lina... I guess you know what I like to listen to, just by listening to my playlist and reading up my blog. *hehehe*

Terlalu sadis cara mu
Menjadikan diri ku
Pelampiasan cinta mu
Agar dia kembali pada mu
Tanpa perduli sakitnya aku

Tega niannya cara mu
Menyingkirkan diri ku
Dari percintaan ini
Agar dia kembali pada mu
Tanpa perduli sakitnya aku

Semoga Tuhan membalas semua yang terjadi
Kepada ku suatu saat nanti
Hingga kau sadari sesungguhnya yang kau punya
Hanya aku tempat mu kembali
Sebagai cinta mu

Hanya aku tempat mu kembali

Semoga Tuhan membalas semua yang terjadi
Kepada ku suatu saat nanti
Hingga kau sadari sesungguhnya yang kau punya
Hanya aku tempat mu kembali

Hingga kau sadari sesungguhnya yang kau punya
Hanya aku
Sebagai cinta mu

Sadis
Afgan

Ressa Herlambang - Menyesal

Semula ku tak yakin
Kau lakukan ini pada ku
Meski di hati merasa
Kau berubah saat kau mengenal dia

Bila cinta tak lagi untuk ku
Bila hati tak lagi pada ku
Mengapa harus dia yang merebut diri mu

Bila aku tak baik untuk mu
Dan bila dia bahagia diri mu
Aku kan pergi meski hati tak akan rela

Terkadang ku menyesal
Mengapa ku kenalkan dia pada mu

Bila cinta tak lagi untuk ku
Bila hati tak lagi pada ku
Mengapa harus dia yang merebut diri mu

Bila aku tak baik untuk mu
Dan bila dia bahagia diri mu
Aku kan pergi meski hati tak akan rela

Bila cinta tak lagi untuk ku
Bila hati tak lagi pada ku
Mengapa harus dia yang merebut diri mu

Bila aku tak baik untuk mu
Bila dia bahagia diri mu
Aku kan pergi meski hati tak akan rela

Terkadang ku menyesal
Mengapa ku kenalkan dia pada mu

Menyesal
Ressa Herlambang

Blog Updates

It's been for a month now... Not much changes to my blog except for my files hosts... Both image and mp3 files have been relocated back to BOXSTr. They have upgraded to 5GB of storage and 1GB of bandwidth per day for free, normal users like me... Furthermore, their download speed is quite faster than my previous host. That means, mp3s will likely to be played much smoother now.

Anyway, thanks for dropping by and giving your precious time reading this stupid update of mine...

Ciaoz!!!

By Judy Garland

For it was not my ear you whispered, but into my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

-Judy Garland-

Re-editing A Quote In My Old Entry, "The Un-Explained"

I did a research about the said quote, and the true phrase should be this...

I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
For knowledge is limited,
whereas imagination embraces the entire world,
stimulating progress,
giving birth to evolution.

-Albert Einstein-

What Life Means to Einstein
An Interview by George Sylvester Viereck
"Saturday Evening Post", October 26, 1929

Repvblik - Hanya Ingin Kau Tahu

Ku t'lah miliki
Rasa indahnya perih ku
Rasa hancurnya harap ku
Kau lepas cinta ku

Yang seakan abadi
Sekalipun kau mengerti
Sekalipun kau fahami
Ku fikir ku salah mengerti mu

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cinta ku
Tingginya khayal ku bersama mu

'Tuk lalui
Waktu yang tersisa kini
Di setiap hari ku
Di sisa akhir nafas hidup ku

Walaupun semua
Hanya ada dalam mimpi ku
Hanya ada dalam angan ku
Ku lewati itu

Yang seakan abadi
Sekalipun kau mengerti
Sekalipun kau fahami
Ku fikir ku salah mengerti mu

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cinta ku
Tingginya khayal ku bersama mu

'Tuk lalui
Waktu yang tersisa kini
Di setiap hari ku
Di sisa akhir nafas hidup ku

Aku hanya ingin kau tahu
Besarnya cinta ku
Tingginya khayal ku bersama mu

'Tuk lalui
Waktu yang tersisa kini
Di setiap hari ku
Di sisa akhir nafas hidup ku

Hanya Ingin Kau Tahu
Repvblik

Devil May Cry

It's a game, period. I won't be talking about the game in this entry. I didn't own the game nor I ever played the game. All I know is it's graphics and gameplay are superb. I just like the sound of the title, that's all.

Devil may cry. To me, no matter how devilish your character is, you may end up crying for what you have loved. Maybe I just have to retire from blogging scene. It seems that there's no freedom of speech on the internet. No, I'm not talking about the political stuffs. I'm talking about marital status. When you're young and single, you're somebody, you're everybody and you're everywhere. But once you get married, you're nothing, worthless, worse than a piece of fuckin' shit.

You chat on the internet, says hi to everyone, introduce to one self, 30yrs old, married. That's it. You're just wasting the fuckin' bandwidth over at the chatroom. You're just like a fuckin' pillar standing at the corner.

Leaving comments or sending PMs over at Friendster or Multiply? It's just like, "Who the hell is this guy? Waste my fuckin' line of space." Nobody appreciates your existence in the internet. Some people might say to me, to make my life much more interesting or at least make your entries more interesting for people to read, and not just lyrics. To me, I think that's the root of the problem.

God Knows My Lonely Soul. That's the title of my blog. I write about the philosophy of life, my life. I write about the philosophy of love, my love life. I write about feelings of the heart. I write about what's bothering in my fuckin' mind. My wife is just too sensitive about profound entries. PERIOD.

What is happening around me is this, "When I'm good at something, people approach me for help regarding that something. And when they have no problem, leading life happily with their friends and partner, my calls and messages are just considered as pests."

I ever checked out and knew that people from around the world had and still visiting my blog. A lot of them are from Australia. There's even from Israel and Ukraine. And there's one even leave a comment to me. A stranger leaving a comment, from other country, I really do appreciate it. What I'm disappointed was, people close to me and around me, friends... families... in Singapore, just....................... *sigh*

I'm just a fuckin' nobody.

Letto - Sebelum Cahaya

ku teringat hati
yang bertabur mimpi
kemana kau pergi cinta
perjalanan sunyi
yang kau tempuh sendiri
kuatkanlah hati cinta

ingatkan engkau kepada
embun pagi bersahaja
yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
ingatkan engkau kepada
angin yang berhembus mesra
yang kan membelaimu cinta

kekuatan hati
yang berpegang janji
genggamlah tanganku cinta
ku tak akan pergi
meninggalkanmu sendiri
temani hatimu cinta

ingatkan engkau kepada
embun pagi bersahaja
yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
ingatkan engkau kepada
angin yang berhembus mesra
yang kan membelaimu cinta

ku teringat hati
yang bertabur mimpi
kemana kau pergi cinta
perjalanan sunyi
engkau tempuh sendiri
kuatkanlah hati cinta

ingatkan engkau kepada
embun pagi bersahaja
yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
ingatkan engkau kepada
angin yang berhembus mesra
yang kan membelaimu cinta

ingatkan engkau kepada
embun pagi bersahaja
yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
ingatkan engkau kepada
angin yang berhembus mesra
yang kan membelaimu cinta

...kan membelaimu cinta...

Sebelum Cahaya
Letto

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel

This album (Don't You Fake It) was released on the year 2006. Now then I'm listening to it...? Shish...! What a shame, man! Damn! Anyway, I love this particular song out of the whole bunch. When I first listen to this song, the acoustic guitar is just enjoyable until the part where the electric guitar starts to kick in... WOW! Goosebumbs, dude... And the drums, ooooo.... *drooling* Feel the vocals, feel the power, until it fades...

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay...!!! Stay...!!!

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning grey

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

Your Guardian Angel
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Dishwalla - Angels Or Devils

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time I will fall
Into a place that fails us all inside

And I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
Will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
And are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
And are we ever gonna come back down, come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
That I'm ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear to see

Well I can see the pain in you
And I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
And are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
And are we ever gonna come back down, come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

And if I were to give in
I'd give it up and then
Take a breath, make it deep
'Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one that could make us cold
Could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

Angels Or Devils
Dishwalla

Updates - Re-linking of Mp3 Files & Images

Sorry that my site was down for the past few weeks (I think). No images , no music... Not enough bandwidth. Man! That sucks... My mp3 files have moved out from BOXSTr to other host, coz' I guess 500MB of bandwidth per day is just ain't enough. I'm currently trying out Hotlink Files. Hopefully, it's gonna be alright with 4GB of bandwidth per half month. I've also uploaded a few songs, so, enjoy...

I've Been Busy

Damn! No updates for the month of March? I'm getting lazy with this, or what? It's been a month of hectic schedule for me. Sorry for not updating anyway. It's either I'm too busy at work, too busy at home or just too tired for any updatings, even at Friendsters. My bro-in-law got married, Airbus A380 at work, (Prince of) Dubai Airwing at work, got myself tied up with drilling holes on the walls at home... Just to name a few. Phew! And I got this really bad toothache. Flu and there's an ulcer just beside my aching tooth. My blood pressure is still high. This is life... Sweet eh? *sigh* Erm... What else is there to update...? Hmmm...

Peterpan - Semua Tentang Kita

Waktu terasa semakin berlalu
Tinggalkan cerita tentang kita

Akan tiada lagi kini tawa mu
'Tuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati

Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka, saat kita tertawa

Teringat di saat kita tertawa bersama
Ceritakan semua tentang kita

Ada cerita tentang aku dan dia
Dan kita bersama saat dulu kala
Ada cerita tentang masa yang indah
Saat kita berduka, saat kita tertawa

Semua Tentang Kita
Peterpan

OneRepublic - Apologize

I'm holdin' on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin' what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance
Take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin' new
I loved you with a fire red
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'm holdin' on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

Apologize
OneRepublic

Help Me

Still raging inside me...

Think happy thoughts... So, help me God...

My Strong-hearted Wife

If you read my recent post, "Shake The Disease", somehow you'll know the story of what triggers my emotion, my temperimental behaviour. What you're about to read is one of them. One of my family members sent this message through SMS. Here it is...

"Sigh. Actually, if your wife dont want you to contribute to the ang pow, nevermind la. I give up. You actually listen to your wife than remember what your mom has done. I give up on you already. Sigh. I have not scolded your wife for not showing me respect at my wedding and on every other occasions and iwill never forgive her."

It's actually for my mum's birthday, and we siblings, thought that we'll contribute some money and give it to my mum as a gift. We did throw her a barbeque party at a chalet and so on but my wife didn't come along... Why? Because I told her to stay at home. She wanted to come along, but once i said no, means no... Why? Because I'm afraid that my disease will trigger on my mum's special occasion. Just imagine what'll happen. Burning charcoal, forks, knifes, satay sticks, skewers and so on. Definitely, or maybe, someone will get hurt, if it triggers.

My wife's the one who read the SMS first, 'coz I'm already asleep at that time. She's hurt real deep, and I knew that. What I can't accept is the part where my wife will NEVER be forgiven.

"Sebesar-besar Allah Subhan'Allahu Wata'ala boleh memaafkan umatNya yang berdosa, siapakah kamu yang tidak akan memaafkan saudara kamu sendiri".

For sure, my wife will disapprove of my idea of raising up this topic into my blog. I can respect that, but my wife have to respect of where I'm standing. My wife didn't have the hatred, feeling to hate didn't even crossed on her mind, not even the idea, but my wife was just dissappointed and hurt. That's all. She even stopped and scolded me for thinking and have the feeling of hatred. I've learnt something which my wife taught me... Let me highlight it again... my wife taught me.

"Jangan sekali merasa tersangat benci terhadap seseorang, kerana akan datangnya hari itu, kita akan tersangat meminta pertolongannya".

It ever happened to my wife. Someone really hate her so much, but one day that someone seeked help from my wife and no one else. I really envy my wife. That's why I love her so much. She taught me quite a lot of things about life's philosophy. She taught me much about Islam, although I know it's suppose to be the other way around. I am the one who is suppose to be blame. I am the one who is stubborn and hard-headed. I am the one who is being naughty. But my wife just endure the pain and carry on living with her idiotic husband (me).

Love you, Dearie... And thank you for your understanding and believing in me.

Shake The Disease...

When I was in ITE, I've started to develop a dangerous disease. If it's not controlled, it's life threatening to myself and/or to others. It is because of love, you can develop it. And also because of love, it can somehow be controlled, or even cure it. And I call it, the temperimental disease. So, this is a short history of my life that I lived.

I fell in love with a girl. Someone who also had the interest into knowing me but couldn't return her love towards me due to some circumstances. Out of respect, I accepted the fact. But someone fell in love with me, and I was the one who didn't wish to get involved with her in any way, due to some behavioural issues which I didn't like. Out of respect and to cut the story short, I tried to love her back and to change her behaviour. But I failed after 7 years of relationship.

My disease developed during those 7 years of relationship when some factors of my own life was effected due to some reasons. And it got worse when she failed to change which for me, was the easiest. Don't ever start a rumour, stop spreading any rumours. What people might say or think, just keep your mouth shut about it. *sigh* Then, I would hurt myself or others when I'm frustrated. I ever screamed back at my elder sister, and I ever slapped her hard. I slashed my arm with a razor blade (scar still visible), smashed my guitars onto the floor to pieces (yeap... that's what happened to my guitars). Vandalised public and government property (if you ever see some lamp post toppled or not working, probably it's me). So stupid of me when I think back, especially the razor blade thing. But seriously, when you feel the pain in your arms physically, it's much better than feeling the pain in your heart and mind. There was a few incidents where I'd grabbed her by the neck, held her up against a wall till her feet didn't touch the ground in the eyes of the public. I was so frustrated with my life till I dare do such stupid things, just imagine that.

Finally we broke off, thanks to someone (but it's not my wife), and my disease started to fade away, but not totally cured. Years went by and my disease was controllable when I met my wife. Of course, there's some stories before and during the developement of the disease and in between the 7 year relationship and my wife, but here, I purposely left them out and made it short. I'm not writing the whole story down here 'coz it's like writing a novel if I write it in detail. And frankly speaking, until now, sometimes I feel like blowing my head off, but thankfully, I manage to control it. Thanks, dear... And thanks...

So... That was my life. And if somehow you knew the whole story in details, men do get hurt, men do cry, and so have I.

PS: Letters of the full moon have ended years ago, but I still remember those words you've written to me... "There's always a reason or purpose of why God had made her meet up with you" (translated). And I know why...

Marwan Khoury & Carole Samaha - Ya Rab

Gosh! Can't believe my ears, man... I'm listening to arabic music. Yeah laugh, you people... I even searched for the translation for this song... Here it is...

You... Still beautiful and becoming more
What an incident... it couldn't be better
And as my heart is watching you
Tell me... how are you?

You... You're still you and will never change
You've made my heart confused and confused
And your heart is still like a baby
Pacify me... How are you?

Walking while remembering the roads
And love goes swinging
Why are we still?
And how could we forget those dreams?
The night is waiting for us, so now we can say goodbye to the days

Walking while remembering the roads
And love goes swinging
Why are we still?
And how could we forget those dreams?
The night is waiting for us, so now we can say goodbye to the days

Oh Lord, make our days last together
So our love can unite us forever
Oh Lord, make it last
Oh Lord, make it last

Oh Lord, if we could just go back to our past
It would be so much better
Oh Lord, let us go back
Oh Lord, let us go back

I love you
I love your eyes when you're talking
And how it draws a smile
Lay your head on me
And we'll own this world together

I love you
I'll never forget today or tomorrow
I missed you and you have no idea
And you'll never be just a memory
You made this world precious

Walking while remembering the roads
And love goes swinging
Why are we still?
And how could we forget those dreams?
The night is waiting for us, so now we can say goodbye to the days

Walking while remembering the roads
And love goes swinging
Why are we still?
And how could we forget those dreams?
The night is waiting for us, so now we can say goodbye to the days

Oh Lord, make our days last together
So our love can unite us forever
Oh Lord, make it last
Oh Lord, make it last

Oh Lord, if we could just go back to our past
It would be so much better
Oh Lord, let us go back
Oh Lord, let us go back

Oh Lord, make our days last together
So our love can unite us forever
Oh Lord, make it last
Oh Lord, make it last

Ya Rab
Marwan Khoury & Carole Samaha

Guitar...?

What happened to my guitar? You might ask... I have this old guitar which my friend, Vincent gave, but it's all out of tune... You know, the bridge is out of place and the tuning peg is... I have no idea where it is right now, but I think it's "inside" the guitar. My own guitar is... Well... And my Fender Stratocaster electric guitar... Well... You don't want to know what happened, but... Well... Maybe in a few days time, I'll tell you the story... *sigh*

Evan Taubenfeld - The Best Years Of Our Lives

And this song... *sigh* WOAH! *menyusuk di kalbu* you know...? I really want a brand new guitar... pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaassseee... *sob sob*

We had the best years of our lives
But you and I would never be the same
September took me by surprise
And I was left to watch the seasons change

It's been so quiet since you're gone
And everyday feels more like a year
Sometimes I wish I could move on
But memories would all just disappear

So many things
I should have said when I had the chance
So many times we took it all for granted

I never thought this could ever end
I never thought I'd lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?

I never thought I had to let you go
I never thought I'd ever feel this low
I wish I could go back
And we'd stop the world from turning

Looking back on better days
When we were young
We thought we knew so much
And now I seem so far away
I'm wondering if I was good enough

So many things
I should have said when I had the chance
So many times we took it all for granted

I never thought we would ever end
I never thought I'd lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?

I never thought I have to let you go
I never thought I'd ever feel this low
I wish I could go back
And we'd stop the world from turning

Gone are all the days
When we swore we'd never break
Now I'm left here alone

I never thought we would ever end
I never thought I'd lose my best friend
Everything is different now
Can we stop the world from turning?

I never thought I have to let you go
I never thought I'd ever feel this low
I wish I could go back
And we'd stop the world from turning...

The Best Years Of Our Lives
Evan Taubenfeld

Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God

I'm falling in love... again... with this song and... anyway, it's great! Thank you so much...

A lonely road
Crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find

While I recall
All the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God
The only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need a person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me
On this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed

Can't help but think
Of the times I've had wih you
Pictures and some memories
You'll have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God
The only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need a person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in to selfish ways

And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade

A lonely road
Crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find

Dear God
The only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need a person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again. oh no
Once again

Dear God
Avenged Sevenfold

Pssst: What makes me wonder is, why only one song in such a big space? This particular song...

A Dedication... To Myself...

Since nobody is dedicating songs to me, I just have to do it myself... Nobody has done it, except me... Isn't it...? Hello...? Anyone there...? *sigh*

Jangan lagi kau sesali keputusan ku
Ku tak ingin kau semakin 'kan terluka
Tak ingin ku paksakan cinta ini
Meski tiada sanggup untuk kau terima

Aku memang manusia paling berdosa
Khianati rasa demi keinginan semu
Lebih baik jangan mencintai aku dan semua hati ku
Kerna tak kan pernah 'kan kau temui cinta sejati

Berakhirlah sudah semua kisah ini dan jangan kau tangisi lagi
Sekali pun aku takkan pernah mencoba kembali pada mu
Sejuta kata maaf terasa 'kan percuma
Seb' (sebab) rasa ku t'lah mati untuk menyadarinya

...Tapi bukan aku...

Semoga saja 'kan kau dapati hati yang tulus mencintai mu

...Tapi bukan aku...

Berakhirlah sudah semua kisah ini dan jangan kau tangisi lagi
Sekali pun aku takkan pernah mencoba kembali pada mu
Sejuta kata maaf terasa 'kan percuma
Seb' (sebab) rasa ku t'lah mati untuk menyadarinya

Berakhirlah sudah semua kisah ini dan jangan kau tangisi lagi
Sekali pun aku takkan pernah mencoba kembali pada mu
Sejuta kata maaf terasa 'kan percuma
Seb' (sebab) rasa ku t'lah mati untuk menyadarinya

...Seb' (sebab) rasa ku t'lah mati untuk menyadarinya...

Tapi Bukan Aku
Kerispatih

Whoa! Finally... An Update

My first overtime of the year 2008 - today, for only 2 hours...? Damn! Well, better than nothing. And yeah! Happy New Year everyone...!!! My resolution this year...? Still 1024 x 768 pixels... Haehhaeha...!!! Sigh! So many things to say here, but so little time. At work, there's A380 coming in for it's first light check, which is, Oh my God! Imagine what a heavy check will be... Die, die, confirm die... Approximately, 500 km of cables & wirings...?! Damn! Oh well...! About my marriage life, so far so good, hope for smooth sailing all the way. I love you, honey! Financially, maybe I need some help with that. My daughter, she is getting prettier and cuter by the day, but not forgetting, getting more mischievious at times but still... I love you, baby!

It's time to go home... See yer later...!!!

Peterpan - Ku Katakan Dengan Indah

Another Peterpan... This is the theme song for the Indonesian TV drama series, "Hantu Jatuh Cinta".

Ku katakan dengan indah dengan terbuka,
hati ku hampa sepertinya luka menghampirinya.
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah,
mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta.

Tetapi hati ku,
selalu meninggikan mu,
terlalu meninggikan mu,
selalu meninggikan mu.

Kau hancurkan hati ku, hancurkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.
Kau terangi jiwa ku, kau redupkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.

Tetapi hati ku,
selalu meninggikan mu,
terlalu meninggikan mu,
selalu meninggikan mu.

Membuat ku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi.
Membuat ku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi.
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati.
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri.

Kau buat ku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi.
Kau buat ku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi.
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati.
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri.

Tetapi hati ku,
selalu meninggikan mu,
terlalu meninggikan mu,
selalu meninggikan mu.

Kau hancurkan hati ku, tak tertahan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.
Kau terangi jiwa ku, kau redupkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.

Kau hancurkan hati ku, hancurkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.
Kau terangi jiwa ku, redupkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.

Kau hancurkan hati ku, hancurkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, hancurkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, hancurkan lagi,
kau hancurkan hati ku, 'tuk melihat mu.

...ohhh... melihat mu...

Ku Katakan Dengan Indah
Peterpan

At Last... It's A Peterpan...

It's been Samsons and Ungu for awhile now. Let's hear it now from Peterpan. There's 2 versions for this particular song, but personally, I prefer the acoustic piano version.

Mungkinkah,
bila ku bertanya
pada bintang-bintang.
Dan bila,
ku mula merasa
bahasa kesunyian.

Sadarkan,
aku yang berjalan
dalam kehampaan.
Terdiam,
terpada terbata
semua dalam keraguan.

Aku dan semua
yang terluka
karena kita.

Aku 'kan menghilang,
dalam pekat malam,
lepas ku melayang...

Biarlah ku bertanya,
pada bintang-bintang,
tentang arti kita...

...dalam mimpi yang sempurna...

Aku dan semua
yang terluka
karena kita.

Aku 'kan menghilang,
dalam pekat malam,
lepas ku melayang...

Biarlah ku bertanya,
pada bintang-bintang,
tentang arti kita...

Aku 'kan menghilang,
dalam pekat malam,
lepas ku melayang...

Biarlah ku bertanya,
pada bintang-bintang,
tentang arti kita...

...dalam mimpi yang sempurna...

Mimpi Yang Sempurna
Peterpan

What's Wrong With Me?

Songs, songs & more songs... Is that about all I can update my blog on...? Not only that... Why only from Samsons & Ungu...? I've been asking myself those questions over & over again... Maybe their music are unique, maybe I don't know about other bands whose music are more unique... Or maybe, most of their songs have a match with my life... Like the song entitled "Di Sini Untuk Mu" by Ungu, reminds me of my past when I'm still single, waiting for a reply & "The" answer, like forever, from that someone whom I dear so much at that time. And saying "forever goodbye" to all my old flames, and all... Yeap! That's it... I think that's the answer to my own question. Erm... One more question... Why update only songs...? Well, I think there's not much of a topic to brag about. If there is, I can't possibly open up here, like some people might say, "too profound" to open up on a public blog regarding sensitive personel issues... I know that my blog is being read by a very, very tiny percentage of people out there... Less than 0.00000001% I think, coz' I'm such a low-profile & boring person, but still... That's why I have to be careful of what I write. Some people say that I'm weird or strange. Some people might even say that I'm sick in the brain, or a psycho... Well, please forgive me for that. It's true that I'm sick in the brain. Seriously, you can ask my wife about how I stare at people, even strangers & how I stare at blank spaces. The fact is that my mind is always revolving. Always moving in circles, most of the time imagining things of what'll happen next. Imagine of what I hoped for in my life... Sometimes, until I drop a tear or two. Capturing moments of good & evil, like my brain is a hard drive, saving files & doing a backup at the same time. I think that's why some of my friends, & even my wife say that I'm a slow thinker. With all the brain activity like that, that I'm on, how am I suppose to think straight, fast & understand them? And I think that's why I have some difficulties in sleeping at night. My mind just difficult to switch to "screensaver" or "hibernate" modes, & the switch is like hidden really deep inside a massive maze. And sometimes, you just have to use cheatcode to find the switch - take some muscle relaxants or sleeping pills.

I'm sick... Sick in the brain... A psycho... Call me what you want, I don't care coz that's what I am...

Samsons - Luluh

Saat terindah
saat bersama mu,
begitu lelapnya
aku pun terbuai.

Sebenarnya
aku t'lah berharap,
ku 'kan memiliki
diri mu selamanya.

Segenap hati ku luluh lantak
mengiringi duka ku
yang kehilangan diri mu.
Sungguh ku tak mampu 'tuk meredam
kepedihan hati ku
untuk merelakan kepergian mu.

Ingin ku yakini
cinta takkan berakhir,
namun takhdir menuliskan
kita harus berakhir.

Segenap hati ku luluh lantak
mengiringi duka ku
yang kehilangan diri mu.
Sungguh ku tak mampu 'tuk meredam
kepedihan hati ku
untuk merelakan kepergian mu.

Ku tak sanggup 'tuk merelakan mu...!!!

Segenap hati ku luluh lantak
mengiringi duka ku
yang kehilangan diri mu.
Sungguh ku tak mampu 'tuk meredam
kepedihan hati ku
untuk merelakan kepergian mu.

Luluh
Samsons

Dedication To Tini...

Seperti kau bahagiakan aku,
seperti itulah kasih ku kepada mu.
Sesungguhnya ku merindukan cinta,
sampai kau khadir memberi ku harap

Ku temukan cinta,
di palung hati mu.
Izinkanlah aku,
untuk menyelami yang terdalam.

Terangi jalan ku,
untuk menggapai cinta mu,
untuk ku labuhkan,
separuh jiwa ku hanya untuk mu.

Seperti kau bahagiakan aku,
seperti itulah kasih ku kepada mu.
Sesungguhnya ku merindukan cinta,
sampai kau khadir memberi ku harap

Ku temukan cinta,
di palung hati mu.
Izinkanlah aku,
untuk menyelami yang terdalam.

Terangi jalan ku,
untuk menggapai cinta mu,
untuk ku labuhkan,
separuh jiwa ku hanya untuk mu.

Ku temukan cinta,
di palung hati mu.
Izinkanlah aku,
untuk menyelami yang terdalam.

Terangi jalan ku,
untuk menggapai cinta mu,
untuk ku labuhkan,
separuh jiwa ku hanya untuk mu.

Seperti kau bahagiakan aku,
seperti itulah kasih ku kepada mu...

Ku Temukan Cinta
Samsons

Retribution...

It was a late Saturday afternoon after work. My flyer friends decided to go to Pasir Ris and fly to collect some flying hours. And I joined in. It's fasting month and I'm suppose to go home, whether or not, with or without my wife's permission when I went for flying. Well, flown about 2 cycles, felt great, but crashed at the end of the day. Retribution on a fasting month...

Dedication... To Whom...?

Ku mencintai mu lebih dari apa pun,
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu.
Ku mencintai mu sedalam-dalam hati ku,
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelap ku.

Ku tahu ku takkan s'lalu ada untuk mu,
di saat engkau merindukan diri ku.
Ku tahu ku takkan bisa memberikan mu,
waktu yang panjang dalam hidup ku.

Yakinlah bahawa engkau adalah cinta ku,
yang ku cari selama ini dalam hidup ku.
Dan hanya pada mu ku berikan sisa cinta ku,
yang panjang dalam hidup ku.

Ku mencintai mu lebih dari apa pun,
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu.
Ku mencintai mu sedalam-dalam hati ku,
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelap ku.

Ku mencintai mu lebih dari apa pun,
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu.
Ku mencintai mu sedalam-dalam hati ku,
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelap ku.

Ku mencintai mu lebih dari apa pun,
meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu.
Ku mencintai mu sedalam-dalam hati ku,
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelap ku.

...Kekasih gelap ku...

Kekasih Gelap Ku
Ungu

Urge

I WANNA FLY MY PLANE...!!! AARRGGHH...!!!

Samsons - Akhir Rasa Ini

Terlarut aku dalam kesendirian
Saat aku menyadari tiada lagi diri mu kini

Sampai kapankah aku mampu bertahan
Tertatih aku jalani semua kisah hidup ku ini

Tak akan terganti setiap kenangan yang telah terukir
Yang terendap indah dan melekat di hati

Akankah berakhir semua rasa yang telah tercipta
Di dalam benak ku dan di dalam asa ku

Terlarut aku dalam kesendirian
Saat aku menyadari tiada lagi diri mu kini

Tak akan terganti setiap kenangan yang telah terukir
Yang terendap indah dan melekat di hati

Akankah berakhir semua kisah yang telah tercipta
Di dalam benak ku dan di dalam asa ku

Akhir Rasa Ini
Samsons

New Hobby

I gotta admit... I just bought myself a remote-controlled airplane. After a few demo flights by my friends, I decided to own one myself. Just test-flight my 2nd-hand airplane this evening, and I find it quite difficult to manouver for a beginner like me. Think I need a slower airplane. Hey! Anyone selling trainer airplane...? Hehe... But it's such a shame that I won't be flying the whole of next week... Have to serve the nation, man... *sigh*

Anyway, need to thank my instructor, Othman, for my flight & technical training. Not forgetting my flight partner, Vincent, for the motivation... Till my next update, see yer'...

This Song... I Like...

I don't know why I love listening to Indonesian songs nowadays. The songs I'm listening to is a little bit outdated but, hey! It's better to be late than never... I listen to all types of songs, all types of genres, all types of languages and all types of musical instruments. I appreciate music, just like my late father did...

Aku yang lemah tanpa mu,
aku yang rentan kerana,
cinta yang telah hilang dari mu,
yang mampu menyanjung ku,

Selama mata terbuka,
sampai jantung tak berdetak,
selama itu pun aku mampu untuk mengenang mu,

Dari mu, ku temukan hidup ku.
Bagi ku, kaulah cinta sejati.

Bila yang tertulis untuk ku,
adalah yang terbaik untuk mu,
kan ku jadikan kau kenangan,
yang terindah dalam hidup ku.

Namun takkan mudah bagi ku,
meninggalkan jejak hidup ku,
yang telah terukir abadi,
sebagai kenangan yang terindah.

Kenangan Terindah
Samsons

I Lied...!

I've recieved my cheque, but still unable to settle my financial problems in time. I lied to you guys that I won't be updating my blog until I've settled my problems, but here I am... updating my blog. I can live without my blog, in fact I don't even need one. But yeap, I do want one. Just in case, I need to express my inner thoughts, what's been bothering me, and so on, I can rely on my blog to do the job.

There's something wrong with my left eye. (Tembel cakap omputeh aper?) Sty? For 4 days now and people at work kept glancing at me as if I've just had a fight or something. *sigh* Maybe I should write "I got a sty" on a piece of paper & paste it on my back or something. It looks very bad in the morning but subsides later in the afternoon.

Been busy with work lately. Not enough manpower for that much of work with so little time given. And my bike is at the workshop for 5 days now for some major repairs. What's with my life becoming to...? *sigh*

Hey! It's Been A While

Yeap! It's been more than a month now. Busy with life and work, busy with shopping on my bonus, and still not enough with what I have. Still waiting for my cheque to arrive, and when it does, I'll be debt free... Sigh! Relief is on it's way, boy! Be patient. Until I've got the cheque and settled my debts, I won't be updating my blog. See 'yer...

Technology

My yesterday's blog, "Poser's Laptop" was a little bit lame, yes I know... Some people just love new technologies, with branded names... Apple's iPod and Sony's PlayStation 3 to name a few. If my friend, Shahrom, read up my yesterday's blog, maybe he would feel a bit offended coz' he own a Sony Vaio, PSP, etc... No heart feelings, bro... Coz' I'm not talking about you. I'm just talking about that guy on the train, he's just overdoing it, you know...?

Are you catching up with technology? How long do you think it'll last? Any extended warranty? Is it user friendly? Does it serves the purpose and works well for you? Do you NEED it? Or do you WANT it? Consider these questions first before buying the latest gadgets. I've learnt my lesson. The latest Mp3 player nowadays with a build-in memory of a few gigabyte which costs a few hundred bucks. I bought an Mp3 player... About a decade ago. The 1st generation of Mp3 players on the market. Jazpiper... Heard of it? I owned one. It's about S$200 and the build-in memory is just 32 megabyte. It's great you know, listen to your favourite songs while jogging with no skip-tracks. And it felt great especially when you're on a train listening to it, and other people whose still on discman and walkman would go staring at my little gadget and go, "What is that?". Most people wouldn't know coz it's the 1st generation, baby... Imagine that. And at that time, most people would ask, "Mp3 player? What is Mp3 anyway?" hehehe...!!!

I Seek You or ICQ... An instant messenger software, just like MSN messenger. I use ICQ... How many digits are there in your ICQ UIN? Most of yours are probably 8, 9 or 10 digits... Mine's got 7. You can add me and have a friendly chat at UIN 1502236. Hehehe...

I don't dare to say that I'm the first in everything, or the best in everything I do. I just want people out there to know that whatever gadgets you have, make sure you know about it well. Have an Mp3 player? Then you have to know what is Mp3, how to convert them, about memory, difference between kilobyte, megabyte, gigabyte, etc, and so forth... Don't be boastful about it when you don't know a thing about your own gadget.

Anyway, have you seen Aaron Aziz wearing a white long sleeve t-shirt inside and a black short sleeve t-shirt outside...? Well, to tell you people frankly, I already wore that style 12 years ago, and I think, I'm the 1st Singaporean to wear that style... And now it's like, "Urgh... What is that?" But to think further about it, I think the style will be coming back soon as a trend... At least I think so... Heheh...

Well, that's it then... It's time for me to go home now, till my next blog update... See yer...

Poser's Laptop

Some people... We just can't understand some of them, truly... What are they up to anyway? Since my biological dad passed away, I'm so damn quiet. Not an anti-social type, but a quiet type. During my teens, I used to travel by bus and train. What I did was to look at people passing by. Then I study them... Their behaviour. From their looks, the way they walk and "carry" themselves, the way they talk, type of clothes and materials they wear, their style, etc... I will somehow know their behaviour. But yet, people say, "Don't judge a book by it's cover". And I truly agree with that. One thing that I've learned, when you truly want to know a person, you have to talk to them, and see their reactions... Is it loud? Boastful? Arms crossed? Hands on hips? Etc... Heheh... That's my own theory, anyway...

I still remember this one particular day... I'm on a train and there's this guy who's carrying his laptop (without a bag) walked in with his friend. He switched on his machine, and watched music videos with volume so high. But he wasn't watching the music video... He was talking to his friend... Loudly, and boastfully... Straight away, I told myself that this guy's forehead been stamped with the word, "POSER!" And I bet if I ask him a simple question about Windows, like open a C prompt command from WinXP desktop, he'll go staring at me looking blur... Hahaha! *Sigh* Pity on him...Having a laptop is very very costly if you just intend to watch videos, listening to music, surf the net, and to show the world that you own a laptop... And if some things fucked up, you'll be jumping up & down frustrated like a monkey, don't know what to do. Come on... I update my blog with just my N-Gage mobile phone... *for God's sake* Red eyed...? Nope... Just trying to wake some people up out there... If you own a laptop, do what you're suppose to do when you're not at home or the office... Mobility is the word here... Desktop PC is stationary while a laptop is mobility... Understand...? Watch a movie together with friends when there's no work to be done... Bring it on... Hehehe...

About Music

I love listening to music, I play the guitar, I've played with a band in schools, but I'm not a full-time musician. I appreciate all genre of music, from orchestra to death metal, I listen to them. One thing for sure that I know of, if a song matches with your life story, you'll definitely fall in love with it...

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new

...and the reason is you...

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new

...and the reason is you...

I've found out a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do

...and the reason is you...

The Reason
Hoobastank

Tribute to Brandon Lee

So it is written onto the monument of Brandon Lee's grave...

"Because We Don't Know When We Will
Die, We Get To Think Of Life As An
Inexhaustible Well. Yet Everything
Happens A Certain Number Of Times,
And A Very Small Number, Really.
How Many More Times Will You
Remember A Certain Afternoon Of Your
Childhood, Some Afternoon That's So
Deeply A Part Of Your Being That You
Can't Even Conceive Of Your Life
Without It? Perhaps Four Or Five Times
More. Perhaps Not Even That. How
Many More Times Will You Watch The
Full Moon Rise? Perhaps Twenty. And
Yet It All Seems Limitless."

For Brandon And Eliza
Ever Joined In True Love's Beauty

Adam AF2 - Ku Bertanya

From my wife - *This song is dedicated to my dearest husband...*

Adakah diri ku kau tak perlu lagi?
Adakah cinta ku kau tak perlu lagi?
Adakah diri mu dah berubah hati terhadap diri ku?

Adakah insan lain bertakhta di hati mu?
Hinggakan diri mu merubah cinta mu
Manakah janji mu yang kau beri dulu kepada diri ku?

Kau pernah berkata cinta mu adalah selama-lamanya
Bulan menjadi saksi pada malam itu.
Kau kata, kau cinta...

Sayang ku dengarlah rintihan hati ku
Ingin kau kembali seperti dahulu
Kenangan di jiwa membuat ku rindu
Kepada diri mu

Kiranya diri ku kau tak perlu lagi
Simpanlah kenangan cita-cita di hati
Walaupun sukar ku akur kali ini
Biarlah ku pergi

Oh maafkanlah ku bertanya..

Ku Bertanya
Adam AF2

From your beloved wife, Tini...

We ain't perfect, but I do love you... Please forgive me...

May The Curse Fall Upon Thee...

I've just heard the news that I'll be thrown off from hangar 3, back to hangar 1. So next week, say goodbye to B777s and hello (again) to B747-400s and jumbo classics. Why? Because of my poor performance. They said that I've disrupted their manpower at hangar 3 coz last week, I'm on 2 days of medical leave due to my fever & cough. Last week, Sunday was my scheduled rest day, Monday & Tuesday on medical leave, Wednesday was my scheduled off day and Thursday on unscheduled leave (emergency leave) due to some unforseen circumstances. Friday and Saturday, still felt unwell (until now) but still gone for work.

It's normal for any superiors at work when they see my type of schedule stated above be disappointed. But hey! I'm not fucking around here... How in God's name the doctor gave me 2 straight days of medical leave if I fuck around? I should or in fact the fucking company should sue the doctor for having a faulty ear thermometer which reads my temperature of 39+ degrees celcius. Curses, curses, curses... Yeah! Let me exaggerate, "I PRAYED to God that I'll be sick on Monday". And now, let me pray to The Almighty that whoever don't understand why people took medical leaves, will have a sickness, so that they will always remember that we, homosapiens, AIN'T PERFECT. And about the emergency leave that I took last Thursday, let me exaggerate myself again, "I PRAYED to God that one of my beloved ones is suffering from an illness with a cancer". All that I'm trying to say here is,

SHIT HAPPENS...!!!

Why do superiors at work see our bad points but not the good ones? As I have a wild & bogus imagination, I do imagine myself unwell, having a migrane attack while riding to work, had a traffic accident, broke one of my legs, and still do come to work with a pair of crutches and plaster casted onto my leg. And still if the superiors ask me why I come to work, I'll be glad to say, "I DON'T WANT TO SUBMIT MY MEDICAL LEAVE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DISRUPT YOUR MANPOWER! And please quote down my words onto your report so that I have a good name". Do you think they'll do that...? It WILL NOT happen. And about the emergency leaves, medical leaves, unforeseen circumstances, fever, cough, cancer, etc... Whoever felt that you are so damn fucking perfect, this quote is for you...

"MAY THE CURSE FALL UPON THEE"

Sexuality Content

Some parts of the post below have been edited and deleted due to sexuality content...

The Un-Explained

This is gonna be damn long...

To my dearest beloved wife,

Noorhatini Binte Mohamed Yusof

Wa'alaikumsalam... Firstly, I'm glad that you've at least responded to me (Finally, thank God!) of what's going on inside your mind. It didn't occur to me as of wondering why the existence of your letter, in fact, I was waiting for one. At least a comment in my blog, or a tag in my tagboard.

You've gone through my blog and you just wanted to know Who She Is... The question is which one...? There's 2 ladies that I usually refer to in my blog. One of them is Dee, or for short, D... And the other mysterious lady is Faith... As you might have already knew, Dee is none other than our niece, Dewi Nurinda.

Who is Faith? Her name is Nurfathiyah. Friends call her Fath but I call her Faith. I've known her way back since I was still single, before I even met you... I still remember at that time, she's still a student. At least, that's what she said. If I'm not wrong, it's Republic Secondary... or is it Polytechnic...? And I just had a major broke up with "you know who". We were friends at that time. And yes, I wanted to be more than friends, but we're not destined to be with each other. We've lost contact ever since. I didn't even had a chance to meet her in person.

Just recently, she reappeared in my life (our life) out of a sudden, saw her online... And we started sending messages online. Sending her a picture of Lyna was the first thing I did. By then, she knew that I'm already a husband and a father. We sent pictures and chatted to each other for a few days, and that's it. She didn't respond after that, until now. And as a matter of fact, I still don't even know her true identity, her true self, coz I haven't even meet her in person, from the beginning until now. I was wondering myself of why I kept dreaming of her... "She was there, and there she is again" kinda dream, and it's totally not a wet dream at all. It'll happen if it's gonna happen, but how do I explain that...? I can't control my dreams. But there's one thing I can control - imagination. Yes, and God forbid... I've imagined things that not only you but The Almighty, will surely be disappointed. I've got a very wild & bogus imagination. One quote that I wish to add in my blog...

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Knowledge is limited.
Imagination encircles the world...

-Albert Einstein-

The quote above isn't an excuse or an explanation to all the things that I've done. I just feel like adding it. Anyway, my deepest apologies to you, my dearest, Tini... I've let you down many times more than what you've expected. I'm just a typical male who usually urged for beautiful things in life. But this, I dare say publicly, that I'm a better person than just the typical male who usually urged for MORE beautiful things in life, PHYSICALLY... and "been there, done that", PHYSICALLY. Which means, I just imagine... but not the real thing. In fact, I do have the urge, but never did. And about the obscene stuffs in my possesion, it's my friend's and since he lost one of my computer magazines which I haven't read, he decided to lend me his obscene magazines (gaining back friend's trust) for me to browse through and read which in fact only browse through but haven't read them. He bought them while he's overseas with his wife and kids. What more can I explain?

I am very very open in my blog, and if I'm not telling you the truth, I dare not post all these in my blog. And if I'm still two-timing you, do you think I dare to post all these... the poems, the songs, the lyrics and all...? I know I did two-timed you before and I've learnt my lesson.

(2 paragraphs deleted here)

I know I should tell you that this blog exist and active, but the way I see it, I want you to know it secretly, as in responding to my posts all out, in anger or sadness and be very open in the cyberworld and be peaceful in the real, wicked world. I knew that you'll somehow bound to know about this blog, which you already did just recently... (Sigh... It's about time... Playing too much of your MapleStory I guess). Enough of what I said... My fingers are going numb texting on my mobile... Just wanna go home when it's time, and when I reach home, I'm gonna give my lovely wife a big, warm hug... And I need it too, Tini... So be ready when I get back...

Enjoy The Silence

Been in silence for a while... Well, to me, my wife is. Didn't talk to me much as usual. I know why... Coz' I'm not a good provider to her and to my kid... Always not enough of cash by the end of my pay cycle... My pay went into my account at 11:30pm yesterday night, and we went to the provision shop. The first thing I bought was 1 big can and 2 refill packs of milk powder for my kid. Other than that, some eggs, loaf of bread, some snacks as well, for my kid, a pack of ciggs for my other half and a pack of "Butterfly" mild shag for myself. In total, I spent about 70 bucks. I really have to cut down on my smoking habit, isn't that right, D...? I spent too much money on ciggs, that's why I downgrade myself smoking shag. 20 sticks of ciggs which cost me S$9.80 can last me about 1.5 days. With a pack of shag, which I'm smoking right now, at this very moment, well I think, and hopefully can lasts me about 5 days and it costs me S$9 a pack. Saves me a lot of money, but if I totally quit smoking, saves me a lot more...

*Sigh* Thinking about the past few days with only coins in my pocket, what a difficult life I had. But to compare my life to the people in the 3rd world country, only God knows how difficult their lives are... It was an experience for me, with nothing to eat at home and at work, asking people for ciggs, worried about fuel price hikes. And I really hope by July onwards, I'll be able to settle all my loans, pawn tickets and outstanding bills in full payments. I promised my wife that I'll get a bed for my kid to sleep alone and not forgetting a Zen Neeon 2 to someone, if she scores on her mid-year papers. And yeah! To celebrate my wife's 29th birthday which falls exactly on my bonus day. Maybe I'll take 2 days off to celebrate at Sentosa. And together with my Company stock shares which I'll be getting by end of July, I think I can manage it... But right now, I have to endure for a few more months of overtime, if there's any, just to ensure a better life for my family. I still feel so useless as a husband and as a father... (that's why I'm not fit to be with her even if I'm still single) I really do owe my family a big apology, to let my family suffer even if it's only just for 1 day. In the end, it's worth to enjoy the silence, coz' I really can think through and wake my fuckin' idea up...

My New Hangar

It seems, so far, after I've got transfered from hangar 1 to hangar 3, my working life is much more at ease, but a lil' bit too boring. I've got transfered because of my insomnia, as Hangar 1 has changed it's shift pattern from morning/afternoon shift to entirely morning shift only. I can't wake up in the morning since I usually sleeps at 4 in the morning. I got myself a permanent afternoon shift at hangar 3. Doctor's order. 2 days off a week, Wednesdays & Sundays... That means, I'll be working every Saturday...!!! ARGH...!!! Gotta talk to the manager about it. And about overtime, there is but I have to come in and work on my off days. Most people would say it's worth coming in. Yes, it's worth, but to me, it's more to the risk I have to take... From Jurong to Changi on a half dead bike, anything could happen. Furthermore, I'm saving fuel for normal working days. I'm taking my chances and hope for the best when I'm on the road to work on normal working days, but to come in and work for overtime on my off days...? I've had enough. No way... Even my wife requested me to make a U-turn and come back home when it rained on the journey half way to work. To think about coming in on my off days for overtime, maybe some other time, when I have more money for frequent refueling and/or buy a new bike. But still, I prefer to work on overtime in continuation of my normal working hours. Yes, I admit, when I was at hangar 1, I seldom work overtime, even though it's a continuation. I guess I'm just too tired at that time and hope to go home and sleep early, but in the end, I just couldn't sleep. Then I realize, no matter how tired my body is, I just can't switch off my mind and doze off. My mind just keep spinning, thinking and wondering about something... anything that comes across my mind, until it's time...

One Way Or The Other

Did I ever make her wonder
or did I ever make her cry,
in one way or the other
when I'm in her life, drifting by...

I apologise if I'm a bother
from the bottom of my heart & soul,
in one way or the other
...or is it I'm just too old...?

A beautiful smile & a great figure
intelligent and yet her eyes & heart glow,
in one way or the other
wished we're together, years ago...

I am a husband & a father
holding responsibilities to my wife & daughter,
in one way or the other
that's why, we can't possibly be together...

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Dreams

Why do I dream of her, always? Is it something that she's trying to say to me? Is there something between us? No... It can't be... 'Coz we can't possibly be together. I'm already a husband and a father... I don't even deserve to be with her even though I'm single... Yes, I wished, and yes I hoped for that type of woman to be my beloved wife, ever since I'm still single, but no... Not now... Not her... I'm already too old, and she's still so young... We aren't compatible, or are we...? Please, Faith...? Please...

The Rage

No updates for the last 10 days? OMG!!! Well... Been busy with life lately... I've got transfered from hangar 1 to 3 doing "A" checks to B777 aircrafts. All I can say is it's better that B747 aircrafts. Aircrafts are newer, more maintenance friendly... Yeah! No more cockpit tear-down... No more old and dirty B743s... No more emergency isle lights to fabricate...!!! Got time at work today, so might as well update my blog. Changed 2 pax oxygen bottles and did engine test run... And still got time to watch "Happy Feet" inside the aircraft... Until the end... Hehehe... Good day after all for me after getting wet under the rain while riding to work. I guess someone is happy today... Isn't that right, D...? But yesterday, kinda feel down... I got this mother of a headache. Went to the doctor and he said that my blood pressure is high... 160/100... Hmmm... I don't know how high is high... I don't even know what's the number if it's normal... Guess I have to watch my diet... The doctor gave me one day of medical leave... Well, yesterday is my first day of the year 2007 that I took medical leave... To speak the truth, I DID NOT ASK for it... The doctor just GAVE it to me, and I accept it. Well, I know that I have bad records in the company. High medical leave records, lots of emergency leaves taken... What? For no reason? Maybe I made ONE big mistake by buying a house far from my work place. Insomnia, high blood pressure, migrane... I made a story out of my life...? Maybe if you have one of those illnesses, then I'll be laughing at you... Serves you right!!! NOBODY IS PERFECT, MR PERFECT!!! Maybe one day, The Almighty might show you the truth about me... You want me not to take a single medical leave out of my entire career? When the time is right, when I'm working, and my migrane just attack me and I just fall from an aircraft... You are gonna remember me and my family for your ETERNAL life. (I know who you are and you know who I'm talking about) I am not a good speaker, since my biological father passed away... You'll see me smiling away... most of the time... as though nothing happened, but inside, there's crampfull of problems... about the past, the present and the future... The fury inside me keeps burning like the scorching sun trying to blast out of me, but luckily, I knew someone out there, is so beautiful, so sweet, even the slightest smile would bring the time into a freeze. That someone will always calms me down, and preventing the rage from escaping, I thank you. And that someone is...

Great Working Day Today?

This morning woke up late... And furthermore, the traffic was so damn bad and slow, like as if everybody didn't know how to drive/ride, including myself. I reached work 18 minutes late, sat down at workshop, standing by and wait for deployment. Wait and wait... WOW! I didn't even touch an aircraft today, not even my tools. It's been a great day after all for me... But sad enough, someone is having a bad day... Asked for a blank CD but later said nevermind... 100% busy she said... What's wrong?

Who Is OptikSurfer...?

Nope... It's not me... I'm "Optik_Surfer" (with an underscore). So who is he? Who is The Original "OptikSurfer"...? My previous nickname/handle was "SilverSurfer" in the year 1990. "SilverSurfer" is actually a super-hero character from Marvel Comics. And since I'm not a super-hero of any kind, I decided to change my handle to "Optik_Surfer" in the year 1995. I love to surf the internet, that's why the "Surfer" stays, but to let others know that I'm not a wave surfer, I put "Optik" in front. Optics - something to do with the eye/vision. Optical fibre - A special type of wire mainly used by the telephone company to sent/receive voice and data, even light, over great distances. There you go... Combine those two and you'll get "Optik_Surfer". At first, I didn't even know that someone high-profile in the cyberworld, already been using "OptikSurfer" as his handle until now. He is non other than Skeeve Stevens... Check out his site. And yes, he was the hacker... Skeeve, I hope you won't do anything stupid from now on after what had happen to 'yer... And Welcome Back to the CyberWorld...!!! Cheers, bro!

Ungu - Demi Waktu

Dedicated to my loving wife, Noorhatini...

Aku yang tak pernah bisa lupakan dirinya,
yang kini khadir di antara kita.
Namun ku juga takkan bisa menepis bayang mu,
yang selama ini temani hidup ku.

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu.
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya,
dan demi waktu yang bergulir disampingmu.
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu,
seandainya bila ku bisa memilih.

Kalau saja waktu itu ku tak jumpa dirinya,
mungkin semua takkan seperti ini.
Diri mu dan dirinya kini ada di hati ku,
membawa aku dalam kehancuran.

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu.
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya,
dan demi waktu yang bergulir disampingmu.
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu,
seandainya bila ku bisa memilih.

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu.
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya,
dan demi waktu yang bergulir disampingmu.
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu.

Maafkan aku menduakan cintamu.
Berat rasa hatiku tinggalkan dirinya,
dan demi waktu yang bergulir disampingmu.
Maafkanlah diriku sepenuh hatimu.

...Maafkan aku... ...maafkan aku...

Demi Waktu
Ungu

To Tini... Faith...

Actually I have this particular song in my PC since a month ago while getting myself a few songs at one go. I didn't actually listen to it carefully till just now... It fits my love-life very well, and would like to dedicate the song to my loving wife, Tini...

Demi Waktu by Ungu

First Visit

I've got sleeping disorder so, it's my first visit to the sleep lab this afternoon. Consultation alone costs me S$75. Doesn't includes medication, which costs me about S$37. Thanks Victor for lending me the cash first. Doctor advised me to work only on afternoon shifts for 6 weeks first before moving on to more drastic and detailed sleep monitoring, study and medication. She said that my sleeping problem is probably due to restless feet. When I'm on the bed trying to sleep, I usually shake my feet. When I don't shake, I'll be uncomfortable. She prescribed me a type of medication to relief my feet discomfort. I did enquire about sleep monitoring process... What shocked me was the bill... Each process can go up to S$1k+++... Damn! Better not go to that path... And about sleeping pills, they will make you sleep. The down-side - artificial sleep and can be addictive. She said that I should try to follow my body pattern, more naturally... And my natural time of sleep is from 0400 hrs to 1100 hrs, a nocturnal type.

Then came to work late coz it was raining so heavily. D... You're happy, aren't you? I was late for about an hour. My consultation ends at 1600 hrs and I should report back to work within 2 hrs. Due to heavy rain, I reported work at 1900 hrs. Do you think the company will excuse me? NOT...!!! Still searching for my superintendent, Victor... To discuss about the change of my roster pattern. Guess he went home already. Tomorrow will do.

Why Now? Have Faith!

Hey peeps...! I gotta question to ask. Have you ever in your love-life, feel like being left out and your luck is just so bad that you feel like ending it all...? Always misses the opportunity to love that someone or worse, doesn't get ANY opportunity to love that someone you admire...? I do... It did happen, and it still does... To think back about my past when I'm still single and available, I'm searching for that someone special. The rare-type kind of woman. Yes, I agree it's difficult to search for one, but it doesn't mean there's none. A good heart, a nice smile, a sweet face with proportionate figure... I always hoped and dreamt of having that kind of woman as a wife. Of course, nobody's perfect. There's always some flaw in us, homosapiens. Even I myself ain't perfect, I know that. And as I was searching, there's none... If there is, most of the time, it's either they're not interested in love or they didn't take me seriously in marriage. Of course, in the end, I got married with a good hearted one. Once married, one by one, they came into my life... The rare ones. A good heart, nice smile, sweet face with proportionate figure type of woman... Why? Why now? Why not 5 years ago, when I'm still single and available? All I can do now is to be friends with them. Not more than that... Regrets? Nope... Too late for regrets... No turning back... And if I have a time machine to turn back time, my wife now is still gonna be my wife. We are destined to be with each other, as He had written everything. No, I'm not blaming Him. Who am I to blame The Great One? That's gonna be Hell's 7th basement. All I can do or say now is to appreciate everything that I have. A loving wife and a cute daughter... Thank you for giving me such fine and precious gift, born in this world, my life, my family... Not only that. I was hoping that "FAITH" is reading this and enter my life forever as a friend, so that I have faith in everything I do and to be faithfull to everybody I know. Faithfull as a husband, a father, a family, a friend and as a man... Oh my God...! I have such a weak heart. Can't believe I dropped a tear or two while writing this. Tini, I love you so much, and thank you for bearing me such a fine and precious gift... Lyna, you're so cute, and when you've grown up, I'll show you everything that I can in this world... That is all for now before I flood the place out. See yer soon, peepz...!

Rialto - Monday Morning 5:19

At 8 o'clock we said goodbye, that's when I left her house for mine.
She said that she'd be staying in, well she had to be at work by 9.
So I get home and have a bath, and let an hour or two pass.
Drifting in front of the TV, when a film comes on that she wants to see.

It's Monday morning 5:19, and I'm still wondering where she's been,
'Cos everytime I try to call, I just get her machine.
And now it's almost 6 a.m., and I don't want to try again,
'Cos if she's still not back then this must be the end.

At first I guess she's gone to get herself a pack of cigarettes,
a pint of milk, food for the cat, but it's midnight now and she's still not back.

It's Monday morning 5:19, and I'm still wondering where she's been,
'Cos everytime I try to call, I just get her machine.
And now it's almost 6 a.m., and I don't want to try again,
'Cos if she's still not back when heaven knows, what then? Is this the end?

At half past two I picture her
in the back of someone else's car.
He runs his fingers through her hair
oh you shouldn't let him touch you there!

It's Monday morning 5:19, and I'm still wondering where she's been,
'Cos everytime I try to call, I just get her machine.
And now it's almost 6 a.m., and I don't want to try again,
'Cos if she's still not back when heaven knows, what then? Is this the end?

Monday Morning 5:19
Rialto

That Is Fast

It's 10+ at night and I just finish my task at work. That's fast...!!! A 7-day job and we manage it to do it in 3 days. By tomorrow, pot some sealant and we're done. After work, I'm going over to my wife's couz's chalet at Changi. A 5 minutes ride from work. Overnight there but still have to work the very next day. Luckily for me, it's very near to my workplace. Hmmm... What time shall I sleep tonight...? Hehhehheh...

Huh?!

Update my blogging...? What kind of English was that? Oh well... Why bother? Anyway, I heard rumours that my company is giving out 6 months of bonus due to 60th Anniversary of the company. Well I think they should, isn't it? And on July, I have the option for selling of my company share... Woohoo! D...!!! What do you want? Buy for you an iPOD...!!! How's that...?! Heheh... Well, I intend to spend it on my family, but if I got some to spare, why not? Can't wait till July, and it's my wife's birthday. Gotta do something special this year! Any ideas...? *grinning smile*

Pylon Restoration - Day 1

It's lunchtime and since I can't sleep, might as well I update my blogging through my mobile... Sigh! Just a half day's work and I'm dead beat, probably because I didn't sleep last night. And my task ain't finish yet. Gotta restore all cables and wirings on the right wing engine's pylon, and I think that's gonna be a 7-day job. Today is the first day and gotta endure for another 6 days, IF it's running smoothly. May the Force be with us... Aite! Maybe when I reach home, I'm gonna post some family pictures. Have a good lunch! (but I'm not - too tired to chew my food)

Busy?

Oh my goodness... Just look at the time. Didn't realise it's 6+ in the morning, and I haven't slept yet. But lucky me, I'm off duty, Sunday I'm back to work though. Just need time to relax since I've been busy lately. Setting up this blog, work, family, some financial issues to settle... Argh! This is life, there's always some problems. If I got time, maybe I'll put some family photos in this blog. And D... Have you thought about it...? Just curious... Okay time for bed...! Ciaoz...!!!

My Very First New-Born Blog...

HAH!!! At last...!!! My very own blog. Quite simple I might say. Very very simple, and I like it... hhaehaheah...